Over Troubled Waters

The following is a work of fiction. No bridges were harmed in the making of this parody.

DM: The old stone bridge has stood for hundreds of years. While there are signs of deterioration, the brige is very sturdy. It will not be easy to destroy it. Whatever you do, you realize you must do it quickly for enemy reinforcements are due to arrive by sunrise.

Now, I know most of the campaign has been “hack and slash”. I want you guys to try thinking your way out of this for once OK? Destroying the bridge will deal a crippling blow to the enemy’s plans. I have left clues throughout the campaign that might help in this situation, so try to thi…

Iroel: Would you say the bridge was “reinforced superior masonry”?

DM: Um…yeah, that would describe it.

Iroel: (flip flip flip) There. “reinforced superior masonry”. Hardness 8, 180 hit points. We only need to deal 180 damage to a 10′ area. That should destroy the bridge right?

DM: (Groans) Give me that. (reads) Uhm…Errr…. this particular bridge has a hardness of 15. That means it will absorb 15 damage from every attack. Even if you roll roll maximum damage, you can’t actually damage the bridge.

Bam: Did goblinoids make the bridge? That would mean I get my +4 favored enemy bonus damage against the bridge right?

DM: That’s really not how that works…

Iroel: Valthurne, do you still have that adamantine dagger?

Valthurne: Why yes I do.

Bam: What does that mean?

Iroel: It means…

DM: …Oh bloody hell no.

Iroel: …that it bypasses the hardness of objects.

Valthurne: …Oh yeah…

Iroel: … You just need to strike each section 36 times.

Valthurne: Lather, rinse, repeat…

DM: No! Absolutely not! You are not going to destroy a massive stone bridge by stabbing it with a dagger! I don’t care if its adamantine!

Iroel: Why not? It’s within the rules.

Valthurne: I hack away at the bridge with my adamantine dagger.

DM: Dammit. Fine. You hack away at the bridge with your dagger, one stone at a time. Loosened stones and debris fall into the deep gorge below. Finally the bridge is weakened. The rest of the rocks tumble into the gorge below… along with all of you on it. Rocks fall, everybody dies.



Bam: Since we all died, I would like to roll up a new character. He fights with a adamantine spiked gauntlet in each hand and…

DM: No, you are NOT playing Wolverine!

Published in: on November 2, 2009 at 4:02 pm  Leave a Comment  

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